Tonight I have been pondering this sense of emptiness I feel inside. I’m not trying to hide from it or cover it up with anything, just explore it and get a feel for what it really is. It doesn’t feel like there is anything missing per say. It’s not something that is a defect, incomplete, or broken, it’s just an emptiness.
I think I’ve spent a great deal of my life trying to fill that void under the impression that it needed to be for me to feel complete and happy. Thinking about it tonight knowing that it’s not loneliness or a part that feels incomplete has given me a unique perspective. I think it’s supposed to be there, put there intentionally for a purpose. I still think it’s meant to be filled with love for and from another, but now I’m looking at it in a different way than I used to.
I’m going to use the analogy that comes to mind simply for lack of one that feels more fitting, but I’m sure there are thousands of others equally applicable. I’m thinking of myself like a pick-up truck basically. Picture it in your mind for a minute. The truck has a huge empty space in the bed (I’m also using this analogy because my ‘bed’ is where I seem to find the empty space as well, in a more literal sense, and I enjoy the word play). It’s not empty because the truck is missing some crucial component to function properly, that IS how it’s meant to function. It has that empty space by design, for a specific purpose.
As a vehicle, the truck can function just fine and get you to where you need to be with an empty bed. Whether or not there is something in the back has no bearing on it’s ability to serve its primary purpose. The bed was intended to be capable of doing so much more than remaining empty, but it doesn’t NEED to be full.
Further, you wouldn’t fill the bed with a bunch of useless junk and haul it around every where you go just because you didn’t want it to be empty. Ok, well maybe in the winter for traction if you were foolish enough to not get a 4x4 but that’s not relevant to the metaphor I’m going with. To get back to the analogy, a lot of us basically do just that in our own lives when it comes to relationships. We haul around the human equivalent of a bunch of useless junk just so the truck bed isn’t empty.
It’s OK that it’s empty, in fact, it’s better that it is, unless what you are hauling is something you WANT to be hauling around with you. This is basically where I’m at with relationships, I’m not opposed to finding someone, but I’m not interested in filling that empty space within just for the sake of filling it. I’ve known that for a while now and been living with that understanding but I FELT different about that empty space. It still made me feel a bit uncomfortable and like there was something missing.
I’m not sure why the truck analogy changed that for me so quickly, but it really did completely alter the way I felt about the space I know is there. Just like a big ol’ truck bed, I have a gaping empty space in my heart that is intended to be capable of holding a great deal. But it doesn’t NEED to be filled for the human body vehicle I experience this life through to serve its primary function and I don’t need to suffer at all for it being empty.
There are very few things in this world that I would be willing to fill the bed of my own actual truck with and carry around with me everywhere I went all the time. If I can be that picky about what I would fill my truck with, why shouldn’t I be at least that picky about what I would fill my heart with?
Maybe it’s a bit of an overly simplified metaphor but I think it’s effective at communicating my point. Maybe it isn’t suited to you but maybe it’s close enough to inspire you to think about how you view the empty space you have in your own heart or what you’re filling it with. I’m hoping this will be the case one way or the other and that reading this was in some way useful to you. Thanks for taking the time to do so!