Tonight, I don’t really find I have all that much on my mind. It’s been a good day, but a largely uneventful one. I don’t have any pressing thoughts or deep mysteries to keep my mind occupied. I’m just generally relaxed and looking forward to going to bed for the night. I suppose the only lingering notion is the thought of how much I’d enjoy having someone to cuddle up with for the night.
It’s not a sexual thing, nor is it a lonely sort of feeling. It has nothing to do with relationships, it’s just a desire to experience a tangible connection with another human being of a platonic nature. I’ve got the dogs to keep me warm and take up the bulk of my bed, but it’s just not quite the same as having someone to hold and be held by. I understand the biological aspects of the desire, the positive effects of oxytocin and the psychological comfort that can come from having another person near. But I guess what I find a bit odd upon examining this longing, is that the appeal of the idea isn’t in the desire for comfort.
I feel quite secure with both the dogs in bed next to me. I know they’ll let me know if anyone were to try and get in, and would provide some measure of home defense. The feeling I’m after though, aside from the physical aspect, is the emotional one. I feel comfortable and secure with the dogs, but I want a person there with me so I feel vulnerable.
It’s really easy to feel confident and comfortable when there is no one else around to feel self-conscious in front of or to let your guard down with, but I don’t feel vulnerable alone, not anymore at least. Sleeping next to someone is, in many ways, an exercise in trust. You let your guard down and cede conscious control over your body and actions.
There are all sorts of things you can do on your own to work through some of your personal issues before getting into a relationship. You can also go on casual dates to practice being around someone, getting to know them, and learning about what you want in a partner. However, there doesn’t seem to be a good way to practice this particular sort of vulnerability though. There are dating apps to meet people and I’m sure there are probably casual cuddle sites too, but I’m not so sure I could go for that.
I know I said I wanted to practice being vulnerable, but inviting a complete stranger I met on the internet into my home and trusting they won’t do anything weird or rob me in the middle of the night seems less like vulnerability and more like stupidity. If there is a way of asking one of my female friends I trust to come over and spend the night for an evening of cuddling without coming across as propositioning or being creepy, I know not what it is.
Well, I suppose that’s not entirely accurate. I do have close relationships with several women that would totally understand where I’m coming from and the nature of our relationship wouldn’t make it weird or creepy at all. But, the nature of their relationships with someone else makes it so I wouldn’t ask in the first place. In a day in age when even inviting someone to come over and do something as unsexy as binge watch “Netflix and Chill” has hidden connotations, I can’t see anyone I don’t already know quite well buying it when I say “No, I don’t want to ‘sleep with you’, I just want to SLEEP with you.”
All in all, not having a cuddle buddy isn’t exactly a pressing problem that keeps me up at night. It would be nice for sure, but the lack of one isn’t having any negative impact on my life as a whole, at least not that I’m currently aware of. It’s just a random thought bouncing around my brainpan this evening. As dwelling on it any further will likely be a fairly fruitless exercise in futility, I’m gonna call it a night and go curl up with the pups. Thanks for reading.